Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing