@iamledgin: Fun typo: "You ate the most important thing in my life."
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@rockymomax: ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird* WIFE: did you actually read it? ME: yup WIFE: what happens ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
@ShitJokes: My friend keeps saying, "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
@JillBidenVeep: Barack: Sign here, and here Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents? Barack: No, Joe