Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.