@TheThomason: Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.
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@rachelle_mandik: -Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you? -Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees? Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born 5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
@midnightwhale: [walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire] it's alright guys i got this one. *whips out a flamethrower* TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
@Kyle_Raney: How to open a letter: 1. Carefully remove seal 2. Slide your finger unde--okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO