@TheThomason: Fun way to make someone question everything: comment "you are so brave" on all their selfies.
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@ninatreemonkey: The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
@squirrel74wkgn: [at wedding] Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace Me (raises hand) Pastor: It's your wedding Me (lowers hand)
@TheDairylandDon: I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.