Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
You Might Also Like
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
drew a comic about my origin story
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Don’t make me out nice you.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.