@pleatedjeans: Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he'd be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun
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@alispagnola: There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I'm pretty sure it's to charge our phones.
@meladoodle: The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I've ever had
@LolaLuvsLollies: I'm sorry I said "sorry about your eyebrows" when you showed me your wedding photos
@Home_Halfway: {Date} ME: I have to warn you, I'm the jealous type WAITER: What would you folks like? HER: I'll have the s- ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
@MarfSalvador: [Morgue] Cop: Sir, I know it's tough but we need you to ID the body Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
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