@pleatedjeans: Fun way to prank Jesus is to invite him snorkeling haha he'd be stuck on top walking on the water while ur underneath having all the fun
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@KalvinMacleod: [adrift at sea] CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
@DrawingShadows: I am going to make millions when I finally finish developing this iPhone app that tells you when the traffic light turns green.
@rolldiggity: 1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"
@ItsAndyRyan: 4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
@AndyAsAdjective: KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream? ME: no you may not [long pause] K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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