SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
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Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me: