Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
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*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?