[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
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3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
2022: I can fix it
an octopus is just a wet spider
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.