[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter