[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Y’all ready for this
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.