[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.