[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice