[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
This made me chuckle.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Golf would be better with landmines.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway