Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
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An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums