There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
🙂🙃🥹
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are