[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
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SF is the wild wild west man
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Need WebMD
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.