[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Nothing.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
I WON A HAM TODAY
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants