Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
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THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
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THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?