When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
You Might Also Like
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
technically true but not a great slogan
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail