I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
🤣😂
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
What number SPF blocks people?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Cashiers are always checking me out
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.