Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.