Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.