Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
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I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
✌🏽
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Optional boss fight.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!