Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
She puts the hot in psychotic
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”