There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Its true…
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!