Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
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The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.