What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
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ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I have obtained a hat
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?