@andreeahluscu: Funny how shampoo bottles weigh like, 2 pounds in real life, but when dropped in the shower they turn into a meteor.
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@Jeffwni: [hears a voice in the sky] - Is it you? GOD?! [kneels] Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
@Reverend_Scott: Dr: He has a lot of blockage "So my Dad has a bad heart?" Dr: He also donates to charity "So he has a good heart?" Dr: Ya, it evens out
@AmericanGent69: If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.