“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time