Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.