Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
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Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I camp so other people don’t have to.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .