@amydillon: Funny how this Target cashier says "Merry Christmas" like she's not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
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@T_Bonezzz_: Dear women who just gave birth, Stop naming your child 'Khalessi'. Sincerely, The rest of the human race
@dinnersruined: DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder. ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
@Brampersandon_: OCTOPUS: *places tentacle on Bible* JUDGE: Do u swear to tell the truth? O: Yes BAILIFF: *spends like 8 minutes trying to get Bible unstuck*
@stephenjmolloy: Waiter: "I'm afraid your credit card has been declined." Me: "Try this one." W: "This is a blood donor card." M: "Take as much as you need."