@amydillon: Funny how this Target cashier says "Merry Christmas" like she's not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
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@UncleBob56: Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS? Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast? N: Yes? M: I can't do that.
@Big_Cat74: [first date] Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right? Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, "Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10."