Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
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Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
WTF IS THAT!
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is