Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.