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He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Huge, if true.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something