A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
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[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people