The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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I put the h in mysterious.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.