This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
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CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Thrilling chase underway
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
#titanic
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
(True)