My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
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The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.