Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don鈥檛 have anything sensible to say.
She鈥檚 obviously a newbie.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven鈥檛 started.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don鈥檛 need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
If a really late person marries a really early person they鈥檒l produce an on time child. In theory.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
*Inspirational Tweets*
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone鈥檚 only got one my dude
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
When you want your ball, but you don鈥檛 want to get wet
馃幘馃挧馃挦
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I don鈥檛 remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour鈥檚 backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I鈥檓 keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It鈥檚 hard to say!
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Shortcut
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.