Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
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Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse