All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You Might Also Like
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
calling in to work dehydrated
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Good morning, Twitter x
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this