[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
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Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine