Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas