“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
get you a girl who
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship