@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
ME (calling my horse with no name):