@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
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*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!