Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone