[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good