[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
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FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.