FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.