Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
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THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.