[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
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HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.