[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
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I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁